Family and emotions

How to talk to your siblings about caring for Mom or Dad

Updated October 15, 2026 · Reviewed against official sources

In many Latino families, caregiving falls on one person: almost always the daughter, the son who lives closest or the one who "isn't married." The others help when they can, give their opinions from far away or send money now and then. Over time, exhaustion, resentment and blame start to show up: some aren't there every day, and others say nobody ever asked them for anything. This guide suggests an organized way to have the conversation.

Before the meeting: get the information ready

A conversation about feelings gets easier when everyone is looking at the same facts. Before you meet, gather:

• What your loved one needs today: help with bathing, dressing, eating, taking medicines, getting to appointments, managing money. Our daily living scales help you describe it clearly.
• What the doctor said: diagnosis, expected changes and recommendations.
• Who does what today, and how many hours a week.
• Current expenses: medicines, food, adult diapers, transportation, paid help.
• The options and their costs: home care, an adult day center, assisted living or a nursing home. You can use the home care calculator and our guide to how much senior living costs.

Send everyone a short summary a few days before, by WhatsApp or email, so no one is caught off guard.

During the meeting: simple rules

It can be in person or by video call, so you can include whoever lives in another state or another country.

1. Define the goal. For example: "Mom is safe and well cared for, and nobody gets sick from taking care of her."
2. Listen first to the person who provides care every day. That person knows things the others don't see.
3. Talk about today, not the past. Old childhood rivalries often come out at times like these. If they do, get back to the topic.
4. Avoid blaming. Say "I need to rest on weekends" instead of "you never help."
5. Include your dad or mom if they can take part. Their opinion counts, even if they need support to make decisions. If the topic is a possible move, read how to talk with Mom or Dad about moving.
6. Choose someone to take notes.

Divide tasks based on what each person can give

Not everyone can contribute the same thing, and that's OK. What matters is that the split is clear and that everyone's effort is recognized. AARP recommends assigning responsibilities based on each sibling's skills, money, distance and available time.

If a sibling lives far away, they aren't left out: they can take care of paperwork, payments or researching options. We share ideas in long-distance caregiving.

Talk about money and paperwork, too

These are the topics that cause the most fights when they're put off until later:

• How expenses are split and how everyone accounts for them (for example, a shared spreadsheet with receipts).
• Whether the sibling who provides care will get paid. In some states, Medicaid programs allow a family member to be paid as a caregiver. See our guide to home care for seniors.
• Who has power of attorney for health and money decisions, and whether there's an advance directive. We explain this in power of attorney and advance directives.
• What you'll do if care at home is no longer enough. Talking about it before an emergency helps you avoid rushed decisions at the hospital.

After the meeting

• Put the plan in writing and share it with everyone.
• Agree on how you'll communicate: a WhatsApp group for updates and a regular call every month.
• Review the plan when your loved one's health changes or when one of your situations does.
• Ask for specific help. If you're the caregiver, say exactly what you need. Asking someone to take Dad to the doctor on Thursday works better than saying "you never help me."

If the conversation isn't going anywhere

Sometimes the differences run very deep. In that case, it can help to turn to:

• a family mediator or a counselor;
• a social worker at the hospital or clinic (see how the hospital social worker can help you) or your county's Area Agency on Aging, which you can find through the Eldercare Locator: 1-800-677-1116;
• the priest, the pastor or someone everyone in the family respects.

Remember that what reassures your dad or your mom the most is seeing their children united.

💬Frequently asked questions

Is it fair for the sibling who provides care to get money from the others?

Many families agree to it, because caregiving takes away hours of work. What matters is talking about it openly and putting it in writing. If there are assets involved or your loved one may need Medicaid later on, it's a good idea to talk with an elder law attorney, because some payments and gifts can affect eligibility. Read does Medicaid pay for senior living?.

What do we do if we can't agree on a care facility?

Visit two or three places together with the visit checklist, and compare them using the same criteria. Seeing the options in person often brings people's views closer together.

What if a sibling doesn't want to take part?

You can't force them. Keep the door open, let them know about important decisions and lean on the people who can help, including your county's programs for caregivers: see help for family caregivers.

And if the decision is a care facility and the guilt weighs on you, read the guilt of moving Mom into a care home. Caring for someone also means caring for yourself: if you notice you're worn out, go over the signs of caregiver burnout.

Sources

• AARP en español, "Desacuerdos sobre los cuidados entre hermanos" (in Spanish): https://www.aarp.org/espanol/recursos-para-el-cuidado/cuidar-cuida/info-2016/desacuerdo-cuidados-entre-hermanos.html (accessed October 15, 2026)
• AARP en español, "Coordinar el cuidado de un familiar" (in Spanish): https://www.aarp.org/espanol/recursos-para-el-cuidado/cuidar-cuida/info-2018/coordinar-el-cuidado-de-un-familiar.html (accessed October 15, 2026)
• AARP en español, tips for dividing caregiving costs among siblings (in Spanish): https://www.aarp.org/espanol/recursos-para-el-cuidado/asuntos-legales-financieros/info-2023/consejos-para-dividir-entre-hermanos-costos.html (accessed October 15, 2026)

This is general information, not medical, legal or financial advice. Rules vary by state and by year: confirm with the official agency that applies to you.

👉Keep reading

Guilt about putting Mom in a nursing home: how to cope

If moving your mom to a nursing home feels like abandoning her, you're not alone. Why it weighs so heavily on Latino families and how to decide calmly.

Caregiver burnout: signs and free help, including in Spanish

Exhaustion, irritability, insomnia, isolation: how to recognize caregiver burnout and where to get free help in the U.S. today, including in Spanish.

Long-distance caregiving: parents in another state or country

How to organize care for parents who live far away: a local network, medical permissions, documents, help in their city and what changes abroad.

Power of attorney and directives

What a power of attorney, health care proxy, advance directive, and guardianship are in the U.S., when to prepare them, and forms in Spanish.